Dissertation Blues, vol. 6, no. 11 (2015)

Writing a dissertation is not a pleasant experience.  I am sure that everyone who has written one will readily agree.  One tends to spend more time avoiding writing it than actually writing it.  This blog post too is an exercise in dissertation avoidance.  

I just spent most of the morning and early afternoon composing many outlines: an outline for an entire dissertation; an outline for each chapter; an outline for a chapter outline.  I have also written many lists or "key concepts" that reappear in every chapter of my dissertation.  Either I am brilliant in pulling it all together, or I am just repeating the concepts because there is nothing else to say.

There is confusion as to what you are trying to say, which results in a moment of "Aha!  I know what my thesis argument is!" to "Shit!  This is totally not what I want to say," and finally to the question of not only practical but of metaphysical nature: "what am I trying to say?"

In the midst of one's own unbearable lightness of being, there is also barely bearable heaviness of your committee, whose ideas are welcomed but also in the way of what you are trying to do.  (In case somehow by a sheer million to one chance, my committee reads these complaints, I just want to go on the record and say that they are a wonderful group of people, whose opinion I greatly value.  No, really, I do).

After a series of repeated stares at the computer, typewriter, or paper, you get up resolved to go for a brisk walk during which your mind will surely become clearer.  But you just end up being annoyed at people who are (you imagine) not writing a dissertation because they are outside enjoying the warm weather, or you are annoyed at the overusage of lawnmowers and similar equipment.  You come back from your walk, which has destroyed last hope of writing even a first paragraph of one chapter, and you sulk and of course, start feeling sorry for yourself.

There are moments of bright light when you begin to think of your dissertation as a published book.  This in and of itself is fine but it still does not solve the problem of being unable to write a first paragraph of one chapter.  Forget originality of thought when you can't even think of one small sentence to begin! 

I have read similar articles and blog posts such as mine on the same subject.  The experiences between PhDs are identical, which creates a sense of community ("Hey!  I am not alone!  You get me!") but also of resentment ("Jerk!  What the hell does he know anyway?  My experience is unique!").   

And so, here is my little confessional contribution to the many volumes of "Dissertation Blues," whose character has not changed throughout the history of humans!  I just had to say it, get it out there, and create a small illusion that for today, I have done some work on my dissertation.